


Fanboys

by gmariam



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Misuse of Star Wars quotations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 13:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5709499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gmariam/pseuds/gmariam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Ianto, all tied up with nowhere to go, wax eloquent about Ewoks and X wings, with a bit of roleplaying thrown in. Dialogue only without a hint of drama, but several inappropriate references to lightsabers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fanboys

Fanboys

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"Yeah, this was definitely not how I pictured our first date ending up."

"So all those comments about my ties were just talk?"

"No, but I prefer being tied up voluntarily."

"Noted, although you have to admit this does have a bit of an edge."

"I really can't tell if you're serious, you know."

"We've been kidnapped by pygmy aliens from Endor, Jack. What do you think?"

"They're from Reuel Three."

"They look like Ewoks."

"Nah, they're not nearly as cuddly."

"Because you've actually cuddled an Ewok?"

"Trust me, these guys are not teddy bears."

"Neither were the Ewoks. They helped take out an evil galactic Empire with sticks, stones, and a bit of rope, then threw a big party after."

"That's not exactly how it went, but close enough."

"You're not seriously suggesting Ewoks are real, are you?"

"Not if you don't want me to."

"Jack."

"They're called Beornings."

"From Reuel Three."

"Yes."

"How very Tolkien."

"It's a rough translation."

"And you know all this how?"

"Been there, done that, you know the drill."

"Piss them off, did you?"

"Yep. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."

"So what now? Do they kill us, eat us, sacrifice us to their golden god?"

"Your sense of humor really has strange timing."

"Jack, I've been shot, captured, and tied up by Wicket. If I don't laugh, I'll cry over the loss of my favorite childhood memories."

"You must have been quite the Star Wars fan as a kid."

"I grew up in the eighties, of course I was."

"But they were all released before you were born."

"How in the world do you know that, Jack? You don't remember what you had for breakfast yesterday."

"I was around back then, remember? It was sort of a big deal, with that cliffhanger in the second movie. People couldn't wait to see the third."

"So you saw it in the theater?"

"Of course I did! Hot men running around with guns and swords, even hotter women running around in gold bikinis. What's not to love?"

"The Ewoks, perhaps?"

"Yeah, they were a bit lame, but they were cute, you have to admit."

"They were going to eat Han Solo and Luke Skywalker."

"But they didn't, they helped them defeat the Empire. So how did you end up such a fanboy if the films were after your time?"

"I had older cousins. We spent hours running around pretending to fight the Empire."

"And who were you, might I ask?"

"I'm not talking about this now. We need to get out of here, Jack."

"Yes, we do. You work on my ropes, I'll work on yours. Then can we talk about it?"

"Why? What does it matter which character I played?"

"I'm curious."

"You want to take the mickey, that's what you want."

"Got it in one. You give me so little to play with, I grab it when I can."

"Jack, I give you plenty to play with. And it's not little, either."

"Oh, and we've moved on from xenophobic humour to sexual innuendo!"

"I'm not xenophobic."

"I didn't say you were."

"I just don't like being tied up by something that looks like the stuffed animals I grew up with."

"Did you play Star Wars with them too?"

"No, I had the action figures for that."

"Ooh, did you have a Millenium Falcon?"

"Nope, too expensive. Always wanted one, though."

"Now I know what to get you for Christmas."

"Don't you dare."

"Although I would have taken you for more of an X-wing kind of guy, to be honest."

"And you'd be right. I still have it."

"No way! I have a Y-wing— we could totally go up against the Death Star together."

"Yes, let's get Owen some TIE fighters, and then we can recreate epic space battles when it's slow at the Hub."

"You're brilliant."

"I'm joking."

"Why? It would be fun. You know what would be even better?"

"Getting out of here before the alien teddy bears take us on a picnic?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. You were saying?"

"We should dress up for Halloween this year."

"Jack, it's over three months away."

"We need time to pull together our costumes. Now I've already got one for Han Solo-"

"Nick it off John Hart?"

"Ouch. But well deserved."

"I try my best. Do you really have a Han Solo costume?"

"I do. I wore it to a party in '81, kept it for a bit of roleplay after that."

"I am not bringing Star Wars to bed with us, Jack."

"Your loss. It was hot."

"I'm sure it was and I can't wait to see you in it, but I'm not sleeping with Han Solo."

"Why not?"

"For one, because I always preferred the gold bikini over the scruffy space pirate."

"Things change. Besides, I can do that too, if you really wanted."

"Please don't. I've had enough memories tainted already."

"Yeah, I don't think it would be very comfortable. But maybe we can get one for Tosh."

"Why Tosh and not Gwen?"

"Because Gwen strikes me more of a C-3PO kind of girl with her constant nattering. Rhys can be R2-D2, following her around everywhere."

"They'll never go for it."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

"Seriously, Gwen will totally claim the gold bikini just to see the look on your face."

"I know, but the look on her face would be even better when she gets to be the droid."

"More like bitter."

"We can still dream, can't we?"

"Until we figure out a way out of here, absolutely. What about Owen?"

"Lando Calrissian, of course. Jaded sidekick with a heart of gold."

"That one actually makes sense."

"Thank you. Which makes you…"

"Luke Skywalker, of course."

"Young, unassuming hero battling his inner demons. Perfect."

"Do you want me in Dagobah fatigues or Jedi black?"

"Tough call. I always found Jedi black incredibly sexy, though."

"Me too. Jedi black it is, then."

"You'll need a lightsaber, you know."

"Got one."

"I'm not talking about your—"

"Neither am I. My roommate in uni got me one when I turned twenty-one."

"Strange gift."

"She knew me well. Plus she had a thing for swords."

"Kinky. Still keep in touch?"

"Nope. Stay on target, Jack. Have you managed to loosen my ropes at all?"

"Almost there. Can you use the Force?"

"Nope. I've always wanted a mental chokehold, though."

"You've got your eye roll."

"Not quite the same."

"Oh, speaking of chokeholds, we don't have a Vader for Halloween."

"Well, we are the good guys, and I'll still be in black."

"And I like our version of the story better."

"You mean the one with Han Solo and Luke Skywalker shagging their way across the galaxy?"

"How did you know I was going to say that?"

"I know everything. And I know you. Only you would turn Star Wars into an torrid love affair between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker."

"You never thought there was a spark there?"

"It never entered my pre-pubescent mind."

"Too bad. You missed out on a lot of fun scenarios with your mates."

"Then I'll just have to try them with you."

"I thought you didn't want to bring them to bed with us?"

"Well, you'll find I'm full of surprises. Besides, Han Solo did have a rather large blaster."

"He most certainly does. And he knows how to use it."

"Luke is quite skilled with his sword as well."

"I'll say."

"And I'm finding this entire conversation far too interesting to ignore in spite of the circumstances."

"My arms aren't the only thing throbbing right now."

"Jack…"

"Call me Han, kid."

"Please don't call me kid. I hate thinking I was still in utero while you were at the premiere of one of the greatest science fiction films of all time."

"I'm just getting into character. And don't remind me. It was a rough night."

"Was it as much fun as all this?"

"You're always more fun, especially tied up. Skywalker and Solo has a good ring to it, don't you think? Maybe we should give the whole team codenames when we're in the field."

"I think Jack and Ianto sounds just fine."

"Han and Luke?"

"Whoever we are, we're still tied up by the furry aliens."

"I'm trying!"

"Do or do not, there is no try, Jack."

"That's rich. And what exactly are you doing to help us out of this?"

"Keeping the conversation going with my exceptional wit."

"How about working on my ropes instead?"

"You mean this one?"

"How did you do that?"

"I used the Force. And my cufflinks."

"Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you were too busy planning our Halloween costumes."

"Oh yeah. Hey, maybe we can try them on a bit early."

"Such as?"

"As soon as we're out of this mess."

"Well, I don't know. I happen to like nice men."

"I'm a nice man."

"No, you're not. You're a scoundrel."

"You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life."

"You're quite enough, thank you. Can you get mine undone now?"

"Depends on what you're asking me to undo."

"Never mind, I'll get it myself. There. All too easy. Now, let's get out of here."

"This is some rescue."

"Definitely one of my more interesting first dates as well."

"I hope you'll let me make it up to you later."

"In costume?"

"If you want."

"As long as your blaster is loaded."

"Ianto, you're killing me here."

"Just trying to keep the mood up. Amongst other things."

"We need to get out of here, get a hold of the others, and then run down Wicket and his pals."

"Naturally. Then what?"

"And then I am going to ravish you to within an inch of your life."

"Jack?"

"Ianto?"

"Do you still have your Star Wars sheets?"

"How did you know I had Star Wars sheets?"

"I know everything, Jack."

"Want me to put them on?"

"Or bring them round to mine."

"Can I bring my Y-wing too?"

"As long as you bring your Han Solo costume."

"It's a date."

"Hopefully better than this one."

"Will you charge my blaster when we're done here?"

"As long as you stroke my lightsaber."

"Well, you're all clear kid, so let's blow this joint and go home. We have a date to finish."

"Yes, sir. May the Force be with you."

"And also with you, kid."

"That's not how it goes."

"Live long and prosper?"

"Jack."

"Ianto."

"Don't call me kid."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A while ago I thought, "I would like to write something humorous instead of angsty." Then I heard Jack saying, "This is not how I thought our first date would end up." It occurred to me that this was probably the opening of my humorous idea! And so as I tried to figure out what had happened to them on that date, they just sat there and cracked jokes, moving deeper and deeper into questionable Star Wars humor until I had to let them run with it. And run they did. So in honor of the new movie and my daughter's current obsession with BB-8, I'm posting it here. No apologies-hope you enjoyed, and picked up on all the little in-jokes! Thanks for reading!


End file.
